In what may become an annual tradition at AnotherThink, at least until we get bored and our solar-powered crystal ball quits working, we join with the world’s seers and prognosticators to bring you the following 11 predictions for the year 2011.
1. In the final straw for President Obama’s liberal base, his Hawaiian birth certificate will be released, revealing the dark secret that his parents were Republicans and his middle name is not Hussein, but Milhous, after family hero Richard Milhous Nixon.
2. On April 1, 2 former MIT frat brothers will reveal that the Global Warming hypothesis was just a prank cooked up on a dare during a drunken New Year’s Eve toga party. The UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, which has been in on the joke all along, will laughingly rename Earth Day to Gotcha Day.
3. After successfully banning McDonald’s Happy Meals, San Francisco will sue Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster and the Easter Bunny for contributing to childhood obesity.
4. Setting an example for youth everywhere, Hollywood starlets will agree to a one-year moratorium on public drunkenness and/or indecency. People Magazine will file for bankruptcy.
5. The Best Picture Oscar will go to Brokeback Commandos, the moving story of two soldiers who fall in love, become pacifists, and single-handedly bring about world peace.
6. Apple will release the iGod, an implantable phone, camera, MP3 player and super-ego, which creates an inner voice sounding remarkably like Steve Jobs. A built-in reward/punishment module will help users live fairly and responsibly, while knowing instinctively where to find great pizza anywhere in the world.
7. Toyota will delight greens everywhere with the Prius 2, essentially a pair of solar powered roller skates with unlimited range that also doubles as a Swiss Army knife and flashlight. On a related note, gasoline prices will go up, down, up a bunch, down a smidge, then up again.
8. In a master stroke aimed at reducing unemployment, filling empty aircraft seats and safeguarding air travel, the TSA will hire millions of armed security agents to stand watch over each and every airline passenger until they have safely reached their destinations. The TSA’s new slogan — “We want to be your BFF” — finally brings back the friendly skies.
9. The world’s largest oil reserve will be discovered in Snake Waller, South Carolina, beneath a wildlife reserve for the endangered three-toed, flying possum. Congress will declare the oil off-limits, delighting environmentalists and a secret society of possum-poaching epicureans. Possum is g-o-o-o-o-d eatin’!
10. The National Enquirer will reveal that aliens disguised as Elvis impersonators have taken over Branson, Missouri.
11. A big year for Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre will begin when he signs a multi-year contract with the Sun City Bombers of Sarasota, Florida. Later, he will push aside Wilford Brimley as the new Quaker Oats spokesperson, and will become a sensation on Dancing With the Stars with girlfriend and dance partner Betty White.