LAS VEGAS — A gang of 8 psychotic raccoons terrorized passengers on a flight from Seattle yesterday, demanding packages of crackers and peanuts while flashing their teeth. Several passengers were severely bitten while attempting to take back control of the aircraft. The plane was diverted by Homeland Security to Las Vegas where the animals made a remarkable escape through the terminal.
“I tried to steady my men,” said an obviously shaken Homer Patterson, head of security at McCarran International Airport. “I told them to aim low. But when they saw that pack of animals coming at them, teeth bared, the men just bolted. It was not our finest hour.”
The incident began shortly after takeoff when the crew responded to sounds of chattering and broken crockery in the aft galley. Flight attendant Heather Fields first discovered the animals.
“They were tearing open packages of our dry-roasted peanuts. When I asked them to return to their seats, they hissed at me! The leader was brandishing the portable defibrillator and gave me a nasty shock on the leg. Then they came down the aisle, collecting snacks from all the passengers. Anyone who resisted got bitten. It was horrible.”
Homeland Security agents were interviewing passengers but were not optimistic.
“Everyone says the same thing,” commented one official, on condition of anonymity. “They were short, spoke in some kind of gibberish, and they all wore masks. We haven’t got much to go on.”
Environmentalists were quick to blame global warning. Madison Etheridge, a spokesperson for the Southern Biological Conservation Society said that rising temperatures have caused all sorts of bizarre behavior in animals.
“If you had to wear a fur coat in this August heat, you’d probably go a little nuts, too,” commented Etheridge.
Police in Las Vegas were on high alert, with casinos being warned to hire extra security for their kitchens and bars.
Photo credit: www.loomcom.com