Resolved

My New Year’s Resolutions for 2006:

I resolve never again to launch a bowling ball over the roof with a trebuchet. And Harry, if you’re reading this, again I’m very, very sorry about the Lexus.

I resolve to stop making those retching sounds when my wife serves asparagus.

I resolve never again to thank God, at Thanksgiving dinner, for a negative result on my colonoscopy.

I resolve to stop laughing when Pat Robertson says something dumb; because I’m sure his mother is very proud of him.

I resolve to stop laughing when Howard Dean says something outrageous; because I’m sure his mother is very proud of him.

I resolve that putting shaving cream in my brother’s toothpaste tube is never a good joke, not even on April 1.

I resolve never again to enter an Assembly of God church with a UPC barcode stenciled to my forehead.

I resolve to stop tailgating and blowing my horn at every self-centered moron who drives slowly in the left-hand lane, because one day I, too, may be old and totally clueless.

I resolve to be kinder towards psychics, spammers, Nigerian scammers, people who con widows out of their Social Security checks and my state’s lottery commission because, after all, they have families to feed.

I resolve to change my most annoying habits, but I don’t guarantee the changes will make them any less annoying.

I resolve to come to a full stop at a stop sign at least once a week, and to occasionally go for the brake instead of the accelerator when a traffic light turns yellow.

I resolve to listen to more music, because Dr. Offenbacher says it will calm my homicidal rages.

I resolve not to get my tongue pierced this year.

I resolve to be thankful to God for life, friends, love, family, and the hope that never dims because of the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Happy New Year!