With the Obama administration's brave decision to classify carbon dioxide (CO2) as a hazardous pollutant, environmentalists everywhere are troubled and wondering, how can we clean up our very own, air-fouling breath?
What? No one ever told you that your body belches out CO2? It's true! The inconvenient truth is that evolution has let us down in a big way; with every breath we exhale, our lungs are killing the planet! How long can you hold your breath?
Straightforward calculations prove that humans exhale an average of .85 kilograms of CO2 daily. Runners, cyclists and other fitness nuts belch more CO2 in the course of a good workout than your average SUV on the way to Costco. Collectively, our breath pollutes the skies with 6.3 million tons of carbon dioxide daily! As Pogo once said, "We have met the enemy, and he is us."
How long can it be before second-hand CO2 bans sweep the nation? How long before joggers become pariahs as they huff and puff themselves, and our planet, to an early death?
How embarrassing that the most conscientious environmentalist, despite buying organic vegetables and riding the bus to work, pollutes the air like a coal-fired electric plant with every shouted slogan!
You can stop this unconscionable gassing, and you can stop it now.
Using technology developed by NASA and perfected on the International Space Station, AnotherThink Industries, LLC, is now offering its exclusive and chic line of personal, CO2-scrubbing respirators to the general public. Our state-of-the-art Bye-Bye CO2 Atmospheric Purifier™ is the very same device worn by President Obama at a recent congressional hearing, where he offered muffled testimony that the average politician exhales 7.8 times more CO2 than a couple of love-struck teenagers necking in the back of daddy's Prius.
And yes, this is the very same respirator recently adopted by the NCAA for use in all college athletics.
Talk is cheap but now, it's a major cause of global warming, too! So stop yapping and do something! Show you're serious about saving the earth by making your breath fresher than ever, naturally!
For a limited time, the Bye-Bye CO2 Atmospheric Purifier™ is available to environmentally-conscious men and women like you for just five (5) low, monthly payments of $49.99 each, plus shipping and handling. Manufactured from soy beans and recycled milk bottles, these respirators are 100% earth friendly and come in a variety of pleasing earth tone colors and green, of course!
And, for you pet lovers, ask about our specially-designed respirators for cats and dogs.
Don't delay! Congress might put a cap and trade tax on breathing any day now. So put your money where your potty-mouth is and say bye-bye to CO2 forever with your very own Bye-Bye CO2 Atmospheric Purifier™. Operators are standing by and breathing very shallow breaths.
Photo credits: Charles Dharapak, AP; University of Texas, Arlington