My 2008 New Year’s resolutions

HossI am resolved to be a better human being, treading lightly on this Goode Earth™ and living gently and kindly among all of God’s creatures. With that in mind, here are my 2008 New Year’s Resolutions.

I resolve to reduce my personal carbon footprint by exhaling 20% less.

I resolve to continue using an Earth-friendly™ clothes line to dry my laundry. I will fund my retirement by selling carbon offsets to New York Laundromats for every load of wash I dry in the Arizona sunshine.

I resolve to reach for the check more slowly in 2008, so that my friends can discover the joy of generosity.

In solidarity with Hollywood environmentalists Sean Penn, Madonna and Bone Crusher, I will pirate my music and video downloads, thereby eliminating the manufacture of at least 7 metric tons of non-biodegradable plastics annually.

I resolve to make Hoss my favorite Cartwright brother for the coming year.

In solidarity with the world’s poor, I resolve to fast whenever I watch The Biggest Loser.

I resolve to drive in reverse more than half the time to encourage less obsession about the future and more reflection on the past.

To prepare for the coming Apocalypse, I resolve to finish the boiling water nuclear reactor I’ve been building in the basement and lay in more ammunition.

I resolve not to waterboard my neighbor, Harvey, even though he claims he can’t remember borrowing my rake, my drill, my sledge hammer, my torque wrench, my ladder, my 50′ extension cord,…

I resolve to reprogram our church bell tower so that it no longer plays the Banana Boat Song at six in the morning. Seven in the morning should be early enough.

On a more serious note, I am deeply grateful to all of you who take the time to read and comment on my writing here. Thank you for your encouragement and for all that you teach me. May God’s grace overflow in your life in 2008. Happy New Year!

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  1. Good resolutions. Aim high. Shoot low. I’m sure Hoss would be proud.

    I like your plan to pirate music and video downloads. If only we all did this, all artists truly would become starving artists and this would have the positive effect of decreasing the surplus population. A modest proposal, but worthy of consideration.

  2. You are such a wit! Happy New Year, Charlie! 🙂

  3. Happy New Year Charlie! So how have you been doing with the resolutions for the first week?